Trying to decipher why I like “Twilight” so much

So "Breaking Dawn, Part 1" came out to the theaters last week.  I saw it at midnight in San Francisco at a theater where my friends and I could buy reserved seats.  And, or course, I love it!  And I even watched it again the following night!  So yeah, I’m like many moms and tweens out there, I’ve got an unrealistic crush on Robert Pattinson and the character he portrays, Edward Cullen.  For those who haven’t read the books or seen the movies, Edward is basically the perfect guy except he’s a vampire.

Let me back track a moment and express how much I love my husband, Bobby.  He is absolutely wonderful and is an awesome husband, best friend and father to our 3 boys!  And I’ve been in love with  him since we started dating when we were 15 years old (25 years ago!)  He is the love of my life!

But I haven’t had a crush on anyone (not including Bobby) since I was 14 years old.  I had a crush on Simon LeBon of Duran Duran.  John Taylor was a close second.  But now that’s I’m 40, how in the world did I end up with a crush on a guy who is 25 years old???!!!  Talk about feeling like a cougar! 

I took some time to think about it.  And I’ve come to realized a few things.  Yes, Stephenie Meyer created this very cool character who is pretty much perfect.  And Robert Pattinson did a great job portraying him.  And Robert is really nice to look at, too.  But what it really is, is that being a Twi-hard (fan of the Twilight saga) has taken me back to a carefree time when I was a teenager, when life was so simple and easy.  (When I was a teenager, it felt like a tough time.)  But now that I’ve lived a bit more, and have had all the challenges that I’ve faced with three boys under the age of 7, having a child with autism, moving away from the support of my family, juggling all the different hats that I wear every day, trying to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter…..having this crush has given me a way to escape the stress of my life now and go back to pretending to be a teenager and not having any real responsibilities.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I love my life!  It isn’t perfect but it is so incredibly rewarding and I am so lucky to have the life that I have!  But there are moments when I just need to get away.  And it isn’t always easy to call up a friend to go out and get away and go get a pedi at a moment’s notice.  It’s a lot easier to put in the Twilight DVD or pick up one of the books.  In less than a minute, I can forget about the dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, the billions of little projects laying all over the house, and just take a few minutes to be carefree.  Sure, it only last for a short while (I can’t neglect my family for days!)  But taking a few minutes to feel young again (especially now that I’ve got a few gray hairs poking out at the back of my head) really gives me something to giggle about. 

So I’m going to post this blog, give my husband a big kiss and tell him how much I love him, then pick out a DVD to watch.  Twilight?  Eclipse?  “Decisions, decisions.”  (For Twi-hards out there, that was a quote from Jane in Eclipse.)  :)

Expected the worse, and out came the best

We flew to Las Vegas today.  It was the twins' first flight ever.  (Harrison has flown a few times when he was younger.)  The idea of flying with a 6 year old and two 4 year olds just boggles my head.  And since Alex has autism, I was really worried how he would handle the crowds, the new environments, the odd noises, etc.  I called the airline first and told them about his diagnosis.  They told me that we could pre-board so we could avoid him standing in the crowded line.  I also packed a TON of stuff for them:  new toys, snacks, treats, new coloring pages I downloaded from Nick Jr., new crayons, new books, lollipops, video games with headphones.  So after frantically packing last night and this morning, we arrive at the airport.  Bobby drops us off at the airport so he could park the car.  We load the twins onto the double stroller, unload 2 suitcases, 2 duffel bags, 3 backpacks and 3 car seats.  Thank goodness for skycaps!  They were able to take care of all of our stuff in minutes!  Bobby catches up with us and we head towards security, expecting at least 100 people  in line, as usual.  We go through the doors and there are only 10 people in line!  We didn't even have to seek out the "family" line!  So we present our boarding passes and take off our shoes (boys got to keep theirs on.)  I go through security first, then Harrison, then Will.  And Alex just follows along without a problem!  I thought I'd have to coax him through or he would be clinging to Bobby to walk with him.  But he just walked on through by himself!  We load them back onto the stroller and things are a bit overwhelming for Alex, so he puts his headphones which is plugged into his Leapster, and starts to play a game.  We get to the gate and get cleared to preboard.  We grab the last two rows.  I had to take away his Leapster for the take off, but luckily I was able to "trade" a light up dolphin toy for it.  Turns out he really liked that $1 toy!  (And of course, I gave 2 to Harrison and Will.)  :)  So I brought their thermoses and I manage to get a couple of cans of apple juice and ice from the flight attendant.  They munch on cheddar bunnies and sip juice for just over an hour.  Harrison and Will draw and color with the little activity packets the airline gave us.  Alex just plays with his dolphin.  We start to descend so I hand our lollipops, telling the boys to lick them not bite them.  Hopefully, all that swallowing would help with any ear popping!  But Alex ate his in 3 bites.  I was so worried his ears would bother him!  But the wheels touch the ground and he's fine!  So is Will!  Harrison has a bit of a headache and cries for about 30 seconds.  But he wipes his tears and squeezes in the stroller, in Will's seat.  (Will was able to sit on the front ledge where Harrison usually sits.)  After walking though the airport and on to baggage claim, Harrison starts to feel better.  An airport employee helps us bring our luggage and car seats to the passenger pick up area.  Bobby and the boys stay there while I take the shuttle to get our van rental.  I had to wait an hour and a half in line at Budget!  I was so mad.  And poor Bobby had to take care of the boys outside in the heat (but in a shaded area so it wasn't that hot.)  But when I pulled up to get them, Alex was having a bit of a meltdown.  But once he was strapped in his familiar car seat, he was a happy clam!  We drive north towards my niece's house (which is about 40 minutes away from the airport.)  We exit the freeway and we're surrounded by tons of new houses and condos.  We don't see any grocery stores or fast food places.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I see a lone Subway Sandwich shop.  We stop in there but I was worried that they wouldn't eat the sandwiches (they really only like PB&J sandwiches.)  But luck was on our side.....they had pizza!  And apples slices!  So I order dinner for the boys and sandwiches for me and Bobby and we arrive at my niece's house.  They have two cute little dogs.  Again, I worried that they would bark at the boys and scare Alex.  They jumped and licked all 3 boys but Alex was fine!  He even laughed a lot!  The boys had a great time playing with the dogs.....they even wore the dogs out!  They kept throwing balls at them to fetch and the dogs would just lay there.    My 3 boys versus 2 dogs???  Yup, my boys won that round.  :)  So the boys are asleep (after we put the mattress on the floor......Alex does fall out of his toddler bed at home sometimes.)  And I'm super tired but really wanted to type up our first Family of 5 Flight!  So tomorrow is my niece's wedding, which is at 6pm.  The boys usually go to bed around 7pm.  Should be interesting tomorrow!  So I'm going to be prepared for worse case scenario again (just like I did today) and hope that I get lucky twice in a row, and I'll get the best!

Trying to let go of my definition of "me time"

The boys threw me a bone this morning:  they let ME wake up FIRST!  I couldn’t believe it.  I opened my eyes and the boys were quietly still sleeping.  It was about 6:55am.  Their alarm goes off at 7am.  (Actually, it’s a stoplight clock and the red light stays on all night until 7am, then the green light turns on…..there isn’t an actual sounding alarm.)  I just stayed there in bed, quickly calculating how many hours of sleep I got.  7 WHOLE HOURS!  In a row!  And I didn’t wake up at all during the middle of the night, like I usually do.  And I didn’t take a sleeping pill.  (Although I did wear earplugs to drown out Bobby’s snoring.)  And then another thing dawns on me…..I don’t have my usual morning headache!  I am just amazed.  I felt good!  A few minutes later, at just after 7am, Harrison comes into our room to tell us the light is green.  A few minutes later, I hear Alex running out of the room to go play in the living room.  A few more minutes and Will wakes up.  So I get up, too, and start our usual morning routine and I start to think how good I feel and why can’t I get sleep like this more often?  I know it’s rare for them to wait until the green light turn on.  On average, they wake up closer to 6am.  So all I need to do is go to bed an hour earlier, right?  That seems easy enough.  I’m so tired of averaging 5 to 6 hours a night and waking up once, usually around 3am.  So why don’t I just go to bed at 11pm?  Because I’m too busy having “me time.”  After putting the boys to bed around 7:15pm (yes, I worked hard to get them to all to go to bed at the same time and that early!) I clean up the kitchen, fold clothes, send out emails, go grocery shopping, etc.  So by 9:30pm, I’m ready for some time to myself!  I go on Facebook, shop online, play Scrabble on my iPhone (I’m so addicted.)  Then I turn on the tv and watch some shows on our DVR.  Or I’ll put in a movie to watch, usually Twilight or Eclipse.  Then after that, I’ll pick up a book and read for a bit. So by the time I actually turn off my light to go to sleep, it’s after midnight.  My time to myself every evening is so precious to me!  I NEED it!  But having all that sleep last night and feeling so good this morning, not having to rely on a Pepsi for caffeine or 4 Advils to get rid of my headache (and it only temporarily gets rid of it for the morning,) made me rethink about my “me time.”  The thing that sucks about going to sleep early is that I don’t actually SEE my “me time.”  I don’t see any results, such as finishing a book or catching up on my tv shows.  But getting to bed early, I get to FEEL my “me time” when I wake up in the morning.  I feel go great and without a headache!  So I’m trying to change my definition of “me time” from doing things I want to do, to doing things that make me feel good.  So my chores are done and it’s just after 10pm.  I’m going to get off the computer and watch one tv show, then read for a bit.  I plan to turn the light off at 11pm.  And plan B is to turn the light off at midnight.  :)

Trying to be Pollyanna

The good thing about not being able to sleep tonight?  I was able to hear Alex fall out of his toddler bed.  Luckily, he wasn’t hurt and he didn’t cry.  I helped him get back in bed and realized that his pajamas were soaked.  Bobby didn’t put on his diaper very well so it leaked.  So I managed to change his diaper and pajamas while he was in bed (he did wake up briefly) with only the night light to help me see (I didn’t want to turn on all the lights and wake up Harrison and Will.)  And lucky even more, his sheets weren’t really wet.  (A tad damp but I would have to really wake the boys up to change the sheet.)  So I laid a blanket under him and put another on top of him.  He went back to sleep and Harrison and Will stayed asleep.  So I managed to find something good about my insomnia.

I Think My Doctor Jinxed Me

I saw my doctor on Tuesday for a routine physical.  She has been my primary doctor since I moved up here over 4 years ago and knows ALL I have been through.  She looked me in the eye and seriously asked me, “Susan, are you happy?”  And I replied, “You know, I really am."  Nothing is perfect.  My house could be cleaner.  I could be more organized.  But the boys are happy and healthy and things are just really great now.  That night, after the boys have gone to sleep and I’m washing the dishes, I got to thinking about something.  So I went to Bobby, who was on the computer, and I opened up the conversation with, “I’m not trying to get on your case but I need to honestly know how you feel about something.”  So I ask him and he becomes defensive and starts yelling at me.  In the end, after my tears, I did have a better understanding about Bobby’s thoughts and feelings.  I apologized to him, explaining to him again I wasn’t trying to attack him but I just wanted to know how he felt.  He did not apologize back to me, for all his yelling, and I tried to let it go and I just went back to cleaning the house.  I decide to take half a sleeping pill, since I didn’t sleep well the last night and figured I would have too much on my mind to sleep well on my own.  But I wake up groggy.  I manage to send a text to my friend to tell her that I can’t run at the lake because I don’t think I can drive.  I lay in bed a little longer, hoping my daily morning headache will go away and I’ll have the strength to get up.  I do get up and I just have no desire to talk to Bobby, but somehow I manage to put is all at the back of my head.  It’s a hot day by the afternoon and the boys are all at home and have been trying my patience.  But I survive with minimal yelling and I didn’t have to put any of them in a time out.  But by the time they’re in bed, I’m done.  I really don’t want to do anything.  But the dishes need to be washed, especially the thermoses and containers the boys use daily for their lunches.  So I wash dishes.  Last night’s argument is still in the back of my head but I don’t want to deal with it.  We still had to give our cat her daily fluids via IV and I was just tired.  Took another pill and went to bed.  Today, I was woken up at 5:30am by our carbon monoxide detector.  Luckily, it only chirped because it needed a new battery.  I get up to take care of and lay back down next to Bobby, who is still snoring.  And I don’t really fall back asleep but I rest.  Then got up for our usual morning routine, but today (every Thursday and Friday) I work at the preschool.   A kid or two had a bad moment but overall, a good day there.  Then I go to pick up Alex from school.  I check his backpack and his thermos is missing.  I tell him and Will that we need to go back to class to get it.  Alex starts crying and screaming because he doesn’t want to go back.  So (despite my bad back) I carry him to inside the school, then I put him down where he continues to cry in the hallway.  I make it to his class and he comes running over.  We look for his thermos and it’s missing.  (We suspect it was accidentally placed in the wrong backpack.)  Alex loses it and throws himself on the ground, screaming.  I try to explain to him that it’s lost right now but we’ll try to find it the next time we come to class, and he just wouldn’t listen.  So I drag him by his arm back to the car (Will is happily running along with us) and Alex is still screaming.  We get in the car and I put on Toy Story 2 on the DVD player to see Alex will stop crying.  He doesn’t.  Then Will starts yelling that he can’t hear the movie.  Alex continues to cry for another 10 minutes until we get home, asking for his thermos.  We get home and I give him one of the extra thermoses we have.  He continues to cry.  THANK GOODNESS his therapist arrived!  We gave him a few more minutes and then she was able to distract him and redirect him and he stopped screaming.  And then Harrison comes home (thank goodness my friend was able to pick him up from school this afternoon) and he sees that Alex’s therapist has made a special reward chart for using the potty, just for Alex.  Included, is a bag of toy frogs.  Alex will get a frog after 5 attempts.  Of course, Harrison wants a frog, too.  And I explained to him they’re for Alex.  And now Harrison’s pouting and saying, “That’s not fair!”  Of all the 4 men in the house, Will is the only one that hasn’t given me any grief in the last couple of days.  Although today isn’t over yet.  (Sigh.)  Well, I’m off to cook dinner for the boys.  AND cook a separate dinner for Bobby, since his doctor wants him to start eating healthier.  And then, I’ll wash the dishes.  Hmmmm….what are the odds that I’ll take another sleeping pill tonight?!?!?!  

I was just about to post what I wrote above when Harrison runs into the room to tell me that Alex took off his pull-up and smeared poop on our couch.   F*@k.

Oh, belly flab, why do you love me so much?

I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with the twins.  I was fortunate enough to give birth at 39 weeks.  The boys were larger than average twins.  Alex weighed 6 pounds, 15 ounces.  And Will weighed 6 pounds, 9 ounces.  I’ve been trying to lose weight and I did lose quite a bit about two years ago.  But I’ve got quite a bit more to go.  But nothing has come off in the last two years.  I keep telling myself I need to cut myself some slack……I did give birth to TWINS.  But now that they’re over 4 years old, that excuse isn’t flying anymore.  I started running 2 years ago, but I hurt my back lifting Alex out of his crib.  So I went to physical therapy and got better, started running, hurt my back again, back to physical therapy, got better and now I’m back to running.  Problem is that I don’t do my back exercises consistently.  I need to do them about 3 times a week.  It takes me around 30 to 40 minutes to do them all correctly.  Of course, I’m doing them about once a week, hence why I still have occasional back pain.  I try to see my physical therapist once a week, but haven’t seen her in the last two.  And I’ve been off and on the Weight Watchers band wagon but the boys’ snacks are just too tempting (darn Pirate Booty.)  But I’m determined to find a way to get back to what I weighed before the twins were born.  (I am being realistic; I’m not trying to get to the weight I was when I got married, or even the weight I was before Harrison was born.)  I especially want to get rid of this belly!  I know it has stretched so much with Alex and Will that it had its own zip code at one point.  But I think I can shrink it back.  I think.  Then I saw my doctor today for my annual physical and I talked to her about this flab that just keeps sticking to my belly.  And she told me that most women who give birth to twins aren’t able to completely lose that flab without the help of surgery.  Great.  Just great.  Surgery doesn't appeal to me.  But I don’t want to give up.  So I'll keep running.  I may get back on the Weight Watchers wagon again.  Maybe I won’t ever look like I did before the twins were born.   But I will try to get as close to that as I possibly can.  I just hope I can do it before the boys go to college.

A little bit of seriousness about our cat, Mattie

Our cat, Mattie, is 11 years old.  She was diagnosed with renal failure (aka kidney failure) a few months ago.  We changed her food and that didn’t help.  We started giving her fluids via an IV, 3 times a week.  And according to her last blood test, that hasn’t helped either.   Her vet has instructed us to give her fluids daily now.  Bobby and I just had a talk about what our next steps should be.  There is no cure for renal failure so what we do for her now is just prolonging her life.  So far, she seems pretty happy and comfortable.  There are days when we don’t see her at all.  But just tonight, she was meowing at us and hanging out.  (BTW, she sleeps downstairs in our guest room from morning to evening, when the boys are awake and once they’re asleep, she comes upstairs to be with me and Bobby.)  We discussed our budget and, luckily, we should be able to keep this up for a while.  But if her fluids get increased again, we will probably have to put her down.  There’s a part of me that wants to put her down soon.  I don’t want her to suffer.  And I want her to “fall asleep” while she still feels like herself.  But I don’t want to put her down early either.  We’re going to see how it goes over the next 2 weeks.  We start her daily fluids tonight.  We also talked about our inevitable discussion with our boys about why she isn’t with us anymore.  She is the only pet they’ve ever known.  I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.