Just Maybe I'm Doing Something Right

Tonight, I pissed off my 10-year-old son, Alex.  As many of you know, Alex was diagnosed with Autism just before his third birthday.  We’ve had our ups and downs over the years.  But overall, luckily, things have been more up than down.  Alex started 5^th grade a few weeks ago, along with his twin brother, Will.  And their big brother, Harrison, started middle school, too.  I had the summer off with the boys and went back to work last week to teach preschool.  Things have been a bit crazy in our routines lately.  Alex had a few rocky days but is really doing great now!

Tonight, after the boys had brushed their teeth and were getting ready to read and go to sleep, Alex decides that he wants to drink chocolate milk.  I told him no.  I told him he could drink water or even plain milk but no sugar before going to bed.  He didn’t like what I said and decided to stomp his feet all over the house and slam doors.  After the third door slam, I went up to him and with my firm voice, told him that he needs to stop.  I reminded him of his drink choices and if he didn’t choose one, then he just needs to read his book then go to sleep.  He still wasn’t happy.  I had a filthy kitchen to clean (that I knew would take 2 hours) and I just couldn’t talk to him anymore.  He started to cry and pout.  I told him to go talk to his dad for a while.  He did.  But he was still upset.  He came up to me in the kitchen, in tears, and whispered, “I hate you.”  I calmly replied, “Well, I love you.  You sometime make me angry.  But I always love you.”  He didn’t reply.  He just walked away and went back to his room.  About 15 minutes later, he comes back to the kitchen, still with a few tears in his eyes, kisses my arm and hugs me.  I hug and kiss him back.  Unprompted, he says, “I love you.  I’m sorry.”  Through my teary eyes, I said, “I love you, too.  It’s okay.”  He gave me another kiss and I hugged him again and said goodnight.  He went back to bed and is asleep. 

I honestly do feel like I’m doing the best I can for Alex.  I truly believe in early intervention and I’m grateful for his team (teachers, speech therapists, behavioral interventionists) who help him in every way they can.  But every now and then, I question myself.  I wonder if I am truly doing everything I can for him?  Or am I missing something?  Maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable with how much easier things have gotten for us over the last few years.  But this moment with Alex tonight just confirmed that, just maybe, I am doing something right.  Actually, no.  There’s no maybe.  I know I’m doing something right.  And I’m pretty f*cking proud of myself. 

Big Milestone for All

Today was a milestone for us; at least, in our family.  For the first time ever, I took my 3 boys to a movie theater all by myself.  Years ago, when Alex was in preschool, we tried to take him and his brothers to see a movie.  Alex couldn’t do it.  The theater was too much stimulation for him.  He became distressed and I took him out of the theater while Bobby stayed with the Harrison and Will to finish the movie.  After that, we stayed away from movie theaters and just waited for movies to come out on DVD.  Luckily, a friend of mine told me about a drive-in movie theatre that was about 30 minutes away.  We tried that and it was perfect!  We were able to control how loud the sound was.  The boys stayed in the van and so it wasn’t too crowded for Alex.  And being outside, it wasn’t as dark as an indoor theater.  It worked out so well and that’s how we took the boys to watch movies.  We did that for about 4 years.  A couple of years ago, when Alex had ABA therapy, I talked to his team and suggested a goal:  to have Alex be able to watch a movie inside a theater.  They thought it was a great goal and they worked with him on it.  We talked with him about it, we prepped him, we bought him head phones to help minimize the sound.  We finally felt he was ready to try it so his Behavioral Interventionist and I, along with Harrison and Will, brought Alex to see a movie.  I don’t remember the movie but what I do remember is that Alex did great!  He did have to take a break during the movie and his interventionist took him out for a few minutes but he was able to return and finish the movie!  It was a fantastic day!  So ever since then, I would take the boys to see movies indoors.  But I was always with another adult, either Bobby, my mom friends, or Alex’s BI’s.  Never by myself.  What if Alex had a meltdown or sensory overload?  Would I pull all boys out of the movie (and have Harrison and Will be disappointed or angry that their brother is different?)  I wasn’t comfortable of the idea of leaving the two of them alone if I had to stay outside with Alex.  Flash forward to today, June 30, 2017.  All 3 boys wanted to see Despicable Me 3.  Bobby had to work and he actually didn’t want to see the movie.  So I bought our tickets a couple days ago and asked some friends to join us.  But everyone had scheduling conflicts so I decided to take a deep breath and just go for it.  I felt that Harrison and Will were old enough to leave alone in the theater, if needed.  And the last movies we had seen, Alex was able to handle them.  Armed with popcorn, candy, Icees, frozen lemonade, a pair of headphones and a blanket (Alex feels more secure with a blanket wrapped around him during movies) we went into the theater.  It was crowded but I bought seats towards the top, on the aisle, so we could easily dash out, if needed.  It wasn’t needed.  Alex stayed the entire time!  No meltdowns!  No distress!  He was comfortable and enjoyed the movie!  As I looked over at my 3 boys, watching the movie, I thought, “Wow, Alex has come so far!”  Then I realized, by having confidence in Harrison and Will to stay safe in the theater on their own, by having confidence in Alex to be able to handle watching the movie the whole time,……I have come far, too.  I've learned to trust my boys and trust myself and let go.  With Alex, I tend to hold on pretty tight with him. And by default, I hang on tight to Harrison and Will, too.  Today, I learned how to loosen my grip.  Just a little bit.  Not sure if I’ll ever be able to let go.  But does a mom ever?