No, not that. :) Something else. I have been worrying. I never worry. I just don’t see a point to it. It’s wasted energy. It doesn’t solve anything. I can’t predict the future. So why worry about it? When Alex was first diagnosed with Autism two and a half years ago, I didn’t worry about his future but my husband did. What was Alex going to be like when he’s an adult? Will he be able to live on his own? Will he live with us? Will he be able to go to college? Drive a car? Have a job? Be in a relationship? Get married? Will he be able to have what he defined as a happy life? My husband learned to let go his “idea” of a happy life for Alex. He doesn’t need to do all those things to be happy. We both know that. So I don’t worry about what is in store for Alex in the future. My philosophy from the beginning was always: do absolutely everything we possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be. So that’s how I roll. I live in the moment. Take it day by day. Do the best I can.
But for the last few weeks, I have been pretending. I secretly have been worrying. I haven’t slept well in about 2 or 3 weeks. We have a huge transition coming up in our family. Alex and Will (twins) will be going into kindergarten tomorrow, but in two separate schools. Will is going to be with his big brother, who will be in second grade. Alex is going to another school because they offer a special needs program that we feel is best for him and is not available at the other school. I don’t worry about Will at all. He’s going to a school that he’s already familiar with, he knows the teacher, and he has 2 of his best friends in his class with him. And to boot, his big brother, Harrison, will be in the school, too. But Alex is going to a brand new school, completely unfamiliar to him. We’ve prepped him as much as possible. We had a few playdates at the school, at the playground. So he’s familiar with the place. We took him to the school last week to meet his program supervisor, his intervention specialist, his speech therapist and his teacher. He got to see his classroom twice. Thank goodness he has a friend from one of his preschools who will also be in his class. (Alex calls him his best friend.) :) So I’m grateful he won’t be alone. But I still worry what the first day (week, month) will be like for him. He’s going to be in a mainstream, typically developing kindergarten class. There will be a total of 27 kids. (His previous schools have had 8 or 12 kids in his class, with at least 3 teachers. At the preschool co-op, there was a max of 22 kids and I was a working parent on those 2 days he attended, and his brother Will was there, too. And there were 2 teachers and 6 working parents on each day.) He will have his intervention specialist with him and his friend pretty much the entire time he’s in class. And of course, the one teacher will be there. And I was able to arrange for his ABA therapists to assist him in school 3 hours a week, divided into 2 sessions, to help him transition between activities, and to help him socialize with his peers. We’ve talked about the “exciting” new school a bit, but not too much. I didn’t want to make him anxious. We went to the store and had him pick out a new shirt to wear on the first day of school. Of course, he has a new “Angry Birds” backpack and lunch box. :) So I feel like I’ve done everything I could in the “now” moment. I know it. I feel confident that I did my best and gave him my all. Now, I need to let it go. I just have to stop worrying and remember what I believe in my mind and in my heart. ……my philosophy: do absolutely everything I possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be. So in 8 hours, when he walks into his new classroom, it’s going to be the best it can possibly be for him. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to stop faking that I’m not worried, because I truly won’t be.