Thank You, Alex….and Ferris Bueller, Too

One of my favorite movies of the 80’s was Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  It was such a fun and carefree movie that you could just sit back, relax, laugh and enjoy.  Surprisingly, it has one of the most profound quotes I will never forget:

“Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  -Ferris Bueller

Lately, I haven’t been looking around.  I’ve been staring at a calendar, counting down the days til the boys go back to school.  (It’s 19 days away, as of today, August 5, in case you were wondering.)  Now don’t get me wrong.  I love my boys with all my heart and would give up my life for them.  And this summer has been filled with lots of fun and sweet moments!  But having all 3 home with me (they weren’t enrolled in any day camps and I’m a stay-at-home-mom) has been tough.  I felt like I’ve been trapped at home with them, unable to escape.  Or when I do get out of the house, I have to take all 3 of them with me......for everything:  grocery store, Target, the bank, AAA office, all my usual errands.  And it’s exhausting bringing them with me.  They’re always hungry.  Someone always has to go to the bathroom when there isn’t one nearby.  They’re always thirsty.  They get cranky.  They run around clothing racks at stores and almost crash into people.  They all want to ride in the cart. They wander out of eyesight and freak me out when I can’t see them. 

Then Alex gave me a reminder.  Today, for the first time in his 8 years of life, he was able to sit in a movie theater and watch a movie from the very beginning to the very end.  I know most 8 year olds can do that.  But Alex has autism.  His senses get overloaded at theaters.  We’ve tried to bring him in a couple times years ago.  He lasted about 10 minutes before he ran out of the theater.  The theaters are dark.   Loud.  Crowded.  Overwhelming.   It’s a lot for his senses to process.  But I felt bad that his typical brothers couldn’t enjoy a movie theater.  

So with the help of his wonderful ABA therapist, we brought the boys to watch the Minions Movie at a regular movie theater.  We both prepped him.  We reminded him what it was like inside.  Yeah, it’s dark but not so dark you can’t see anything.  It’s loud.  But if it gets too loud, I brought his noise-cancelling head phones.  It’s overwhelming.  But I brought his security blanket to comfort him.  The movie started and at first, I kept my eyes on him.  I was waiting to see the panic in his eyes before he bolted outside.  I was waiting to see fear on his face.  Instead, I saw my sweet little guy staring at the screen.  Smiling.  Laughing.  Enjoying the movie.  After a while, I stopped worrying about him and started enjoying the moment with him.  Half way through the movie, he was concerned that it was night time (the movie started at 3:15pm.)  He was so concerned that he asked his therapist to take him outside to see if it was dark.  About 2 minutes later, they returned to their seats and finished the movie. 

But as soon as the movie ended (before the credits even started) he had to get out.  He couldn’t wait for us to gather our things.  He had to get out.  Luckily, his therapist was quicker than me and his brothers and was able to take him out right away.  A couple minutes later, we follow and I find him outside the theater in tears.  I talked his therapist and Alex.  He had broken down and cried because it took all of his focus and energy to hold it together til the end of the movie. 

I was so proud of him!  I told him I was proud of him.  I wanted to hug him and thank him.  But he doesn’t like attention on him.  At all.  I know I would have made it worse if I made a big deal out of it.  So I just told him, “Good job, Alex.”  Like I tell him after he’s done his homework.  But this wasn’t homework.  This was a huge, momentous occasion.  He has come so far.  Over 5 years of ABA therapy…. speech therapy…..countless therapists….thousands of hours of researching autism and how we can help him…..talking to specialists….reading all autism books, magazines, online articles…..talking with other parents and sharing ideas and resources……holding on to my patience as long as possible.  All we have done to love and support him as best as we can, all his hard work to learn and try hard…….it all had shown like a bright, shining star today.  He was the sun.

Time does move fast.  I still remember the day he was diagnosed……5 and half years ago.  Now he’s 8 years old.  I’m so glad he reminded me to look around today.  Today was a day I did not want to miss.  

I've been faking it.

No, not that.  :)  Something else.  I have been worrying.  I never worry.  I just don’t see a point to it.  It’s wasted energy.  It doesn’t solve anything.  I can’t predict the future.  So why worry about it?  When Alex was first diagnosed with Autism two and a half years ago, I didn’t worry about his future but my husband did.  What was Alex going to be like when he’s an adult?  Will he be able to live on his own?  Will he live with us?  Will he be able to go to college?  Drive a car?  Have a job?  Be in a relationship?  Get married?  Will he be able to have what he defined as a happy life?  My husband learned to let go his “idea” of a happy life for Alex.  He doesn’t need to do all those things to be happy.  We both know that.  So I don’t worry about what is in store for Alex in the future.  My philosophy from the beginning was always:  do absolutely everything we possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be.  So that’s how I roll.  I live in the moment.  Take it day by day.  Do the best I can.

But for the last few weeks, I have been pretending.  I secretly have been worrying.  I haven’t slept well in about 2 or 3 weeks.  We have a huge transition coming up in our family.  Alex and Will (twins) will be going into kindergarten tomorrow, but in two separate schools.  Will is going to be with his big brother, who will be in second grade.  Alex is going to another school because they offer a special needs program that we feel is best for him and is not available at the other school.  I don’t worry about Will at all.  He’s going to a school that he’s already familiar with, he knows the teacher, and he has 2 of his best friends in his class with him.  And to boot, his big brother, Harrison, will be in the school, too.  But Alex is going to a brand new school, completely unfamiliar to him.  We’ve prepped him as much as possible.  We had a few playdates at the school, at the playground.  So he’s familiar with the place.  We took him to the school last week to meet his program supervisor, his intervention specialist, his speech therapist and his teacher.  He got to see his classroom twice.  Thank goodness he has a friend from one of his preschools who will also be in his class.  (Alex calls him his best friend.)  :)  So I’m grateful he won’t be alone.  But I still worry what the first day (week, month) will be like for him.  He’s going to be in a mainstream, typically developing kindergarten class.  There will be a total of 27 kids.  (His previous schools have had 8 or 12 kids in his class, with at least 3 teachers.  At the preschool co-op, there was a max of 22 kids and I was a working parent on those 2 days he attended, and his brother Will was there, too.  And there were 2 teachers and 6 working parents on each day.)  He will have his intervention specialist with him and his friend pretty much the entire time he’s in class.  And of course, the one teacher will be there.  And I was able to arrange for his ABA therapists to assist him in school 3 hours a week, divided into 2 sessions, to help him transition between activities, and to help him socialize with his peers.  We’ve talked about the “exciting” new school a bit, but not too much.  I didn’t want to make him anxious.  We went to the store and had him pick out a new shirt to wear on the first day of school.  Of course, he has a new “Angry  Birds” backpack and lunch box.  :)  So I feel like I’ve done everything I could in the “now” moment.   I know it.  I feel confident that I did my best and gave him my all.  Now, I need to let it go.  I just have to stop worrying and remember what I believe in my mind and in my heart. ……my philosophy:  do absolutely everything I possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be.  So in 8 hours, when he walks into his new classroom, it’s going to be the best it can possibly be for him.  And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to stop faking that I’m not worried, because I truly won’t be. 

Where did my maternal heart go today?

Today, June 7, 2012, was a huge day for our family.  The twins, Alex and Will “graduated” from their preschool today.  (Actually, Alex still had his special needs school to graduate from tomorrow.)  But this preschool is a co-op where my older son, Harrison, attended for 2 years.  The twins just finished their second, and final, year.  So I spent the last 4 years there.  And for the last 3 years, I was a board member.  The preschool is called Sequoia and it is truly a wonderful place!  We’ve made great friends and we all have learned so much there! 

So you would think that today, as the twins accepted their certificates, that I would be crying my eyes out.  After all, they are growing up!  Because of my older son, I know what elementary school is like and it is very different from preschool, especially a co-op preschool, where parents are very involved in the school.  These past years have been so incredibly special.  I got to work (unpaid because it’s a co-op) at the preschool twice a week, along with 5 other parents and 2 teachers every day (I had to work twice a week because I had 2 kids that attended.)  I got to see Alex and Will grow!  Not just educationally, but socially, too.  I felt like I was really involved with their lives.  I’m so lucky that I don’t have to work and that I was able to spend this time with them.  I got to share so many experiences with my little guys!  What blessings! 

But I didn’t shed one tear.  I’m saddened to leave the school.  But I have spent the last (almost) 7 years as a stay at home mom.  And when Alex was diagnosed with Autism 2 years ago, my life just got super busy, juggling 3 kids at 3 different schools.  Having a child with special needs and juggling several weekly therapy appointments.  And then, of course, I have the usual things to take care of (cleaning, cooking, paying bills, etc.)  I’m just tired and I really, really, really need a break.   And when the twins start kindergarten and Harrison starts second grade at the end of August, I’ll finally get a break!  And I think that’s why I didn’t cry today.  My maternal heart sees light at the end of the tunnel.  And I love my boys more than anything in the world and would give up my life for them.  But today, I’m not going to miss those special preschool moments.  Not now.  But after I’ve had a break, and things get busy with elementary schools, my maternal heart will come back full force and I will miss them dearly.  At least, I think I will.  :)

Trying to decipher why I like “Twilight” so much

So "Breaking Dawn, Part 1" came out to the theaters last week.  I saw it at midnight in San Francisco at a theater where my friends and I could buy reserved seats.  And, or course, I love it!  And I even watched it again the following night!  So yeah, I’m like many moms and tweens out there, I’ve got an unrealistic crush on Robert Pattinson and the character he portrays, Edward Cullen.  For those who haven’t read the books or seen the movies, Edward is basically the perfect guy except he’s a vampire.

Let me back track a moment and express how much I love my husband, Bobby.  He is absolutely wonderful and is an awesome husband, best friend and father to our 3 boys!  And I’ve been in love with  him since we started dating when we were 15 years old (25 years ago!)  He is the love of my life!

But I haven’t had a crush on anyone (not including Bobby) since I was 14 years old.  I had a crush on Simon LeBon of Duran Duran.  John Taylor was a close second.  But now that’s I’m 40, how in the world did I end up with a crush on a guy who is 25 years old???!!!  Talk about feeling like a cougar! 

I took some time to think about it.  And I’ve come to realized a few things.  Yes, Stephenie Meyer created this very cool character who is pretty much perfect.  And Robert Pattinson did a great job portraying him.  And Robert is really nice to look at, too.  But what it really is, is that being a Twi-hard (fan of the Twilight saga) has taken me back to a carefree time when I was a teenager, when life was so simple and easy.  (When I was a teenager, it felt like a tough time.)  But now that I’ve lived a bit more, and have had all the challenges that I’ve faced with three boys under the age of 7, having a child with autism, moving away from the support of my family, juggling all the different hats that I wear every day, trying to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter…..having this crush has given me a way to escape the stress of my life now and go back to pretending to be a teenager and not having any real responsibilities.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I love my life!  It isn’t perfect but it is so incredibly rewarding and I am so lucky to have the life that I have!  But there are moments when I just need to get away.  And it isn’t always easy to call up a friend to go out and get away and go get a pedi at a moment’s notice.  It’s a lot easier to put in the Twilight DVD or pick up one of the books.  In less than a minute, I can forget about the dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, the billions of little projects laying all over the house, and just take a few minutes to be carefree.  Sure, it only last for a short while (I can’t neglect my family for days!)  But taking a few minutes to feel young again (especially now that I’ve got a few gray hairs poking out at the back of my head) really gives me something to giggle about. 

So I’m going to post this blog, give my husband a big kiss and tell him how much I love him, then pick out a DVD to watch.  Twilight?  Eclipse?  “Decisions, decisions.”  (For Twi-hards out there, that was a quote from Jane in Eclipse.)  :)

Expected the worse, and out came the best

We flew to Las Vegas today.  It was the twins' first flight ever.  (Harrison has flown a few times when he was younger.)  The idea of flying with a 6 year old and two 4 year olds just boggles my head.  And since Alex has autism, I was really worried how he would handle the crowds, the new environments, the odd noises, etc.  I called the airline first and told them about his diagnosis.  They told me that we could pre-board so we could avoid him standing in the crowded line.  I also packed a TON of stuff for them:  new toys, snacks, treats, new coloring pages I downloaded from Nick Jr., new crayons, new books, lollipops, video games with headphones.  So after frantically packing last night and this morning, we arrive at the airport.  Bobby drops us off at the airport so he could park the car.  We load the twins onto the double stroller, unload 2 suitcases, 2 duffel bags, 3 backpacks and 3 car seats.  Thank goodness for skycaps!  They were able to take care of all of our stuff in minutes!  Bobby catches up with us and we head towards security, expecting at least 100 people  in line, as usual.  We go through the doors and there are only 10 people in line!  We didn't even have to seek out the "family" line!  So we present our boarding passes and take off our shoes (boys got to keep theirs on.)  I go through security first, then Harrison, then Will.  And Alex just follows along without a problem!  I thought I'd have to coax him through or he would be clinging to Bobby to walk with him.  But he just walked on through by himself!  We load them back onto the stroller and things are a bit overwhelming for Alex, so he puts his headphones which is plugged into his Leapster, and starts to play a game.  We get to the gate and get cleared to preboard.  We grab the last two rows.  I had to take away his Leapster for the take off, but luckily I was able to "trade" a light up dolphin toy for it.  Turns out he really liked that $1 toy!  (And of course, I gave 2 to Harrison and Will.)  :)  So I brought their thermoses and I manage to get a couple of cans of apple juice and ice from the flight attendant.  They munch on cheddar bunnies and sip juice for just over an hour.  Harrison and Will draw and color with the little activity packets the airline gave us.  Alex just plays with his dolphin.  We start to descend so I hand our lollipops, telling the boys to lick them not bite them.  Hopefully, all that swallowing would help with any ear popping!  But Alex ate his in 3 bites.  I was so worried his ears would bother him!  But the wheels touch the ground and he's fine!  So is Will!  Harrison has a bit of a headache and cries for about 30 seconds.  But he wipes his tears and squeezes in the stroller, in Will's seat.  (Will was able to sit on the front ledge where Harrison usually sits.)  After walking though the airport and on to baggage claim, Harrison starts to feel better.  An airport employee helps us bring our luggage and car seats to the passenger pick up area.  Bobby and the boys stay there while I take the shuttle to get our van rental.  I had to wait an hour and a half in line at Budget!  I was so mad.  And poor Bobby had to take care of the boys outside in the heat (but in a shaded area so it wasn't that hot.)  But when I pulled up to get them, Alex was having a bit of a meltdown.  But once he was strapped in his familiar car seat, he was a happy clam!  We drive north towards my niece's house (which is about 40 minutes away from the airport.)  We exit the freeway and we're surrounded by tons of new houses and condos.  We don't see any grocery stores or fast food places.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I see a lone Subway Sandwich shop.  We stop in there but I was worried that they wouldn't eat the sandwiches (they really only like PB&J sandwiches.)  But luck was on our side.....they had pizza!  And apples slices!  So I order dinner for the boys and sandwiches for me and Bobby and we arrive at my niece's house.  They have two cute little dogs.  Again, I worried that they would bark at the boys and scare Alex.  They jumped and licked all 3 boys but Alex was fine!  He even laughed a lot!  The boys had a great time playing with the dogs.....they even wore the dogs out!  They kept throwing balls at them to fetch and the dogs would just lay there.    My 3 boys versus 2 dogs???  Yup, my boys won that round.  :)  So the boys are asleep (after we put the mattress on the floor......Alex does fall out of his toddler bed at home sometimes.)  And I'm super tired but really wanted to type up our first Family of 5 Flight!  So tomorrow is my niece's wedding, which is at 6pm.  The boys usually go to bed around 7pm.  Should be interesting tomorrow!  So I'm going to be prepared for worse case scenario again (just like I did today) and hope that I get lucky twice in a row, and I'll get the best!