I've been faking it.

No, not that.  :)  Something else.  I have been worrying.  I never worry.  I just don’t see a point to it.  It’s wasted energy.  It doesn’t solve anything.  I can’t predict the future.  So why worry about it?  When Alex was first diagnosed with Autism two and a half years ago, I didn’t worry about his future but my husband did.  What was Alex going to be like when he’s an adult?  Will he be able to live on his own?  Will he live with us?  Will he be able to go to college?  Drive a car?  Have a job?  Be in a relationship?  Get married?  Will he be able to have what he defined as a happy life?  My husband learned to let go his “idea” of a happy life for Alex.  He doesn’t need to do all those things to be happy.  We both know that.  So I don’t worry about what is in store for Alex in the future.  My philosophy from the beginning was always:  do absolutely everything we possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be.  So that’s how I roll.  I live in the moment.  Take it day by day.  Do the best I can.

But for the last few weeks, I have been pretending.  I secretly have been worrying.  I haven’t slept well in about 2 or 3 weeks.  We have a huge transition coming up in our family.  Alex and Will (twins) will be going into kindergarten tomorrow, but in two separate schools.  Will is going to be with his big brother, who will be in second grade.  Alex is going to another school because they offer a special needs program that we feel is best for him and is not available at the other school.  I don’t worry about Will at all.  He’s going to a school that he’s already familiar with, he knows the teacher, and he has 2 of his best friends in his class with him.  And to boot, his big brother, Harrison, will be in the school, too.  But Alex is going to a brand new school, completely unfamiliar to him.  We’ve prepped him as much as possible.  We had a few playdates at the school, at the playground.  So he’s familiar with the place.  We took him to the school last week to meet his program supervisor, his intervention specialist, his speech therapist and his teacher.  He got to see his classroom twice.  Thank goodness he has a friend from one of his preschools who will also be in his class.  (Alex calls him his best friend.)  :)  So I’m grateful he won’t be alone.  But I still worry what the first day (week, month) will be like for him.  He’s going to be in a mainstream, typically developing kindergarten class.  There will be a total of 27 kids.  (His previous schools have had 8 or 12 kids in his class, with at least 3 teachers.  At the preschool co-op, there was a max of 22 kids and I was a working parent on those 2 days he attended, and his brother Will was there, too.  And there were 2 teachers and 6 working parents on each day.)  He will have his intervention specialist with him and his friend pretty much the entire time he’s in class.  And of course, the one teacher will be there.  And I was able to arrange for his ABA therapists to assist him in school 3 hours a week, divided into 2 sessions, to help him transition between activities, and to help him socialize with his peers.  We’ve talked about the “exciting” new school a bit, but not too much.  I didn’t want to make him anxious.  We went to the store and had him pick out a new shirt to wear on the first day of school.  Of course, he has a new “Angry  Birds” backpack and lunch box.  :)  So I feel like I’ve done everything I could in the “now” moment.   I know it.  I feel confident that I did my best and gave him my all.  Now, I need to let it go.  I just have to stop worrying and remember what I believe in my mind and in my heart. ……my philosophy:  do absolutely everything I possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be.  So in 8 hours, when he walks into his new classroom, it’s going to be the best it can possibly be for him.  And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to stop faking that I’m not worried, because I truly won’t be. 

Expected the worse, and out came the best

We flew to Las Vegas today.  It was the twins' first flight ever.  (Harrison has flown a few times when he was younger.)  The idea of flying with a 6 year old and two 4 year olds just boggles my head.  And since Alex has autism, I was really worried how he would handle the crowds, the new environments, the odd noises, etc.  I called the airline first and told them about his diagnosis.  They told me that we could pre-board so we could avoid him standing in the crowded line.  I also packed a TON of stuff for them:  new toys, snacks, treats, new coloring pages I downloaded from Nick Jr., new crayons, new books, lollipops, video games with headphones.  So after frantically packing last night and this morning, we arrive at the airport.  Bobby drops us off at the airport so he could park the car.  We load the twins onto the double stroller, unload 2 suitcases, 2 duffel bags, 3 backpacks and 3 car seats.  Thank goodness for skycaps!  They were able to take care of all of our stuff in minutes!  Bobby catches up with us and we head towards security, expecting at least 100 people  in line, as usual.  We go through the doors and there are only 10 people in line!  We didn't even have to seek out the "family" line!  So we present our boarding passes and take off our shoes (boys got to keep theirs on.)  I go through security first, then Harrison, then Will.  And Alex just follows along without a problem!  I thought I'd have to coax him through or he would be clinging to Bobby to walk with him.  But he just walked on through by himself!  We load them back onto the stroller and things are a bit overwhelming for Alex, so he puts his headphones which is plugged into his Leapster, and starts to play a game.  We get to the gate and get cleared to preboard.  We grab the last two rows.  I had to take away his Leapster for the take off, but luckily I was able to "trade" a light up dolphin toy for it.  Turns out he really liked that $1 toy!  (And of course, I gave 2 to Harrison and Will.)  :)  So I brought their thermoses and I manage to get a couple of cans of apple juice and ice from the flight attendant.  They munch on cheddar bunnies and sip juice for just over an hour.  Harrison and Will draw and color with the little activity packets the airline gave us.  Alex just plays with his dolphin.  We start to descend so I hand our lollipops, telling the boys to lick them not bite them.  Hopefully, all that swallowing would help with any ear popping!  But Alex ate his in 3 bites.  I was so worried his ears would bother him!  But the wheels touch the ground and he's fine!  So is Will!  Harrison has a bit of a headache and cries for about 30 seconds.  But he wipes his tears and squeezes in the stroller, in Will's seat.  (Will was able to sit on the front ledge where Harrison usually sits.)  After walking though the airport and on to baggage claim, Harrison starts to feel better.  An airport employee helps us bring our luggage and car seats to the passenger pick up area.  Bobby and the boys stay there while I take the shuttle to get our van rental.  I had to wait an hour and a half in line at Budget!  I was so mad.  And poor Bobby had to take care of the boys outside in the heat (but in a shaded area so it wasn't that hot.)  But when I pulled up to get them, Alex was having a bit of a meltdown.  But once he was strapped in his familiar car seat, he was a happy clam!  We drive north towards my niece's house (which is about 40 minutes away from the airport.)  We exit the freeway and we're surrounded by tons of new houses and condos.  We don't see any grocery stores or fast food places.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I see a lone Subway Sandwich shop.  We stop in there but I was worried that they wouldn't eat the sandwiches (they really only like PB&J sandwiches.)  But luck was on our side.....they had pizza!  And apples slices!  So I order dinner for the boys and sandwiches for me and Bobby and we arrive at my niece's house.  They have two cute little dogs.  Again, I worried that they would bark at the boys and scare Alex.  They jumped and licked all 3 boys but Alex was fine!  He even laughed a lot!  The boys had a great time playing with the dogs.....they even wore the dogs out!  They kept throwing balls at them to fetch and the dogs would just lay there.    My 3 boys versus 2 dogs???  Yup, my boys won that round.  :)  So the boys are asleep (after we put the mattress on the floor......Alex does fall out of his toddler bed at home sometimes.)  And I'm super tired but really wanted to type up our first Family of 5 Flight!  So tomorrow is my niece's wedding, which is at 6pm.  The boys usually go to bed around 7pm.  Should be interesting tomorrow!  So I'm going to be prepared for worse case scenario again (just like I did today) and hope that I get lucky twice in a row, and I'll get the best!