Big Milestone for All

Today was a milestone for us; at least, in our family.  For the first time ever, I took my 3 boys to a movie theater all by myself.  Years ago, when Alex was in preschool, we tried to take him and his brothers to see a movie.  Alex couldn’t do it.  The theater was too much stimulation for him.  He became distressed and I took him out of the theater while Bobby stayed with the Harrison and Will to finish the movie.  After that, we stayed away from movie theaters and just waited for movies to come out on DVD.  Luckily, a friend of mine told me about a drive-in movie theatre that was about 30 minutes away.  We tried that and it was perfect!  We were able to control how loud the sound was.  The boys stayed in the van and so it wasn’t too crowded for Alex.  And being outside, it wasn’t as dark as an indoor theater.  It worked out so well and that’s how we took the boys to watch movies.  We did that for about 4 years.  A couple of years ago, when Alex had ABA therapy, I talked to his team and suggested a goal:  to have Alex be able to watch a movie inside a theater.  They thought it was a great goal and they worked with him on it.  We talked with him about it, we prepped him, we bought him head phones to help minimize the sound.  We finally felt he was ready to try it so his Behavioral Interventionist and I, along with Harrison and Will, brought Alex to see a movie.  I don’t remember the movie but what I do remember is that Alex did great!  He did have to take a break during the movie and his interventionist took him out for a few minutes but he was able to return and finish the movie!  It was a fantastic day!  So ever since then, I would take the boys to see movies indoors.  But I was always with another adult, either Bobby, my mom friends, or Alex’s BI’s.  Never by myself.  What if Alex had a meltdown or sensory overload?  Would I pull all boys out of the movie (and have Harrison and Will be disappointed or angry that their brother is different?)  I wasn’t comfortable of the idea of leaving the two of them alone if I had to stay outside with Alex.  Flash forward to today, June 30, 2017.  All 3 boys wanted to see Despicable Me 3.  Bobby had to work and he actually didn’t want to see the movie.  So I bought our tickets a couple days ago and asked some friends to join us.  But everyone had scheduling conflicts so I decided to take a deep breath and just go for it.  I felt that Harrison and Will were old enough to leave alone in the theater, if needed.  And the last movies we had seen, Alex was able to handle them.  Armed with popcorn, candy, Icees, frozen lemonade, a pair of headphones and a blanket (Alex feels more secure with a blanket wrapped around him during movies) we went into the theater.  It was crowded but I bought seats towards the top, on the aisle, so we could easily dash out, if needed.  It wasn’t needed.  Alex stayed the entire time!  No meltdowns!  No distress!  He was comfortable and enjoyed the movie!  As I looked over at my 3 boys, watching the movie, I thought, “Wow, Alex has come so far!”  Then I realized, by having confidence in Harrison and Will to stay safe in the theater on their own, by having confidence in Alex to be able to handle watching the movie the whole time,……I have come far, too.  I've learned to trust my boys and trust myself and let go.  With Alex, I tend to hold on pretty tight with him. And by default, I hang on tight to Harrison and Will, too.  Today, I learned how to loosen my grip.  Just a little bit.  Not sure if I’ll ever be able to let go.  But does a mom ever?  

I've been faking it.

No, not that.  :)  Something else.  I have been worrying.  I never worry.  I just don’t see a point to it.  It’s wasted energy.  It doesn’t solve anything.  I can’t predict the future.  So why worry about it?  When Alex was first diagnosed with Autism two and a half years ago, I didn’t worry about his future but my husband did.  What was Alex going to be like when he’s an adult?  Will he be able to live on his own?  Will he live with us?  Will he be able to go to college?  Drive a car?  Have a job?  Be in a relationship?  Get married?  Will he be able to have what he defined as a happy life?  My husband learned to let go his “idea” of a happy life for Alex.  He doesn’t need to do all those things to be happy.  We both know that.  So I don’t worry about what is in store for Alex in the future.  My philosophy from the beginning was always:  do absolutely everything we possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be.  So that’s how I roll.  I live in the moment.  Take it day by day.  Do the best I can.

But for the last few weeks, I have been pretending.  I secretly have been worrying.  I haven’t slept well in about 2 or 3 weeks.  We have a huge transition coming up in our family.  Alex and Will (twins) will be going into kindergarten tomorrow, but in two separate schools.  Will is going to be with his big brother, who will be in second grade.  Alex is going to another school because they offer a special needs program that we feel is best for him and is not available at the other school.  I don’t worry about Will at all.  He’s going to a school that he’s already familiar with, he knows the teacher, and he has 2 of his best friends in his class with him.  And to boot, his big brother, Harrison, will be in the school, too.  But Alex is going to a brand new school, completely unfamiliar to him.  We’ve prepped him as much as possible.  We had a few playdates at the school, at the playground.  So he’s familiar with the place.  We took him to the school last week to meet his program supervisor, his intervention specialist, his speech therapist and his teacher.  He got to see his classroom twice.  Thank goodness he has a friend from one of his preschools who will also be in his class.  (Alex calls him his best friend.)  :)  So I’m grateful he won’t be alone.  But I still worry what the first day (week, month) will be like for him.  He’s going to be in a mainstream, typically developing kindergarten class.  There will be a total of 27 kids.  (His previous schools have had 8 or 12 kids in his class, with at least 3 teachers.  At the preschool co-op, there was a max of 22 kids and I was a working parent on those 2 days he attended, and his brother Will was there, too.  And there were 2 teachers and 6 working parents on each day.)  He will have his intervention specialist with him and his friend pretty much the entire time he’s in class.  And of course, the one teacher will be there.  And I was able to arrange for his ABA therapists to assist him in school 3 hours a week, divided into 2 sessions, to help him transition between activities, and to help him socialize with his peers.  We’ve talked about the “exciting” new school a bit, but not too much.  I didn’t want to make him anxious.  We went to the store and had him pick out a new shirt to wear on the first day of school.  Of course, he has a new “Angry  Birds” backpack and lunch box.  :)  So I feel like I’ve done everything I could in the “now” moment.   I know it.  I feel confident that I did my best and gave him my all.  Now, I need to let it go.  I just have to stop worrying and remember what I believe in my mind and in my heart. ……my philosophy:  do absolutely everything I possibly can do NOW so that whatever is in his future will be the best it possibly can be.  So in 8 hours, when he walks into his new classroom, it’s going to be the best it can possibly be for him.  And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to stop faking that I’m not worried, because I truly won’t be. 

Where did my maternal heart go today?

Today, June 7, 2012, was a huge day for our family.  The twins, Alex and Will “graduated” from their preschool today.  (Actually, Alex still had his special needs school to graduate from tomorrow.)  But this preschool is a co-op where my older son, Harrison, attended for 2 years.  The twins just finished their second, and final, year.  So I spent the last 4 years there.  And for the last 3 years, I was a board member.  The preschool is called Sequoia and it is truly a wonderful place!  We’ve made great friends and we all have learned so much there! 

So you would think that today, as the twins accepted their certificates, that I would be crying my eyes out.  After all, they are growing up!  Because of my older son, I know what elementary school is like and it is very different from preschool, especially a co-op preschool, where parents are very involved in the school.  These past years have been so incredibly special.  I got to work (unpaid because it’s a co-op) at the preschool twice a week, along with 5 other parents and 2 teachers every day (I had to work twice a week because I had 2 kids that attended.)  I got to see Alex and Will grow!  Not just educationally, but socially, too.  I felt like I was really involved with their lives.  I’m so lucky that I don’t have to work and that I was able to spend this time with them.  I got to share so many experiences with my little guys!  What blessings! 

But I didn’t shed one tear.  I’m saddened to leave the school.  But I have spent the last (almost) 7 years as a stay at home mom.  And when Alex was diagnosed with Autism 2 years ago, my life just got super busy, juggling 3 kids at 3 different schools.  Having a child with special needs and juggling several weekly therapy appointments.  And then, of course, I have the usual things to take care of (cleaning, cooking, paying bills, etc.)  I’m just tired and I really, really, really need a break.   And when the twins start kindergarten and Harrison starts second grade at the end of August, I’ll finally get a break!  And I think that’s why I didn’t cry today.  My maternal heart sees light at the end of the tunnel.  And I love my boys more than anything in the world and would give up my life for them.  But today, I’m not going to miss those special preschool moments.  Not now.  But after I’ve had a break, and things get busy with elementary schools, my maternal heart will come back full force and I will miss them dearly.  At least, I think I will.  :)

Trying to decipher why I like “Twilight” so much

So "Breaking Dawn, Part 1" came out to the theaters last week.  I saw it at midnight in San Francisco at a theater where my friends and I could buy reserved seats.  And, or course, I love it!  And I even watched it again the following night!  So yeah, I’m like many moms and tweens out there, I’ve got an unrealistic crush on Robert Pattinson and the character he portrays, Edward Cullen.  For those who haven’t read the books or seen the movies, Edward is basically the perfect guy except he’s a vampire.

Let me back track a moment and express how much I love my husband, Bobby.  He is absolutely wonderful and is an awesome husband, best friend and father to our 3 boys!  And I’ve been in love with  him since we started dating when we were 15 years old (25 years ago!)  He is the love of my life!

But I haven’t had a crush on anyone (not including Bobby) since I was 14 years old.  I had a crush on Simon LeBon of Duran Duran.  John Taylor was a close second.  But now that’s I’m 40, how in the world did I end up with a crush on a guy who is 25 years old???!!!  Talk about feeling like a cougar! 

I took some time to think about it.  And I’ve come to realized a few things.  Yes, Stephenie Meyer created this very cool character who is pretty much perfect.  And Robert Pattinson did a great job portraying him.  And Robert is really nice to look at, too.  But what it really is, is that being a Twi-hard (fan of the Twilight saga) has taken me back to a carefree time when I was a teenager, when life was so simple and easy.  (When I was a teenager, it felt like a tough time.)  But now that I’ve lived a bit more, and have had all the challenges that I’ve faced with three boys under the age of 7, having a child with autism, moving away from the support of my family, juggling all the different hats that I wear every day, trying to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter…..having this crush has given me a way to escape the stress of my life now and go back to pretending to be a teenager and not having any real responsibilities.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I love my life!  It isn’t perfect but it is so incredibly rewarding and I am so lucky to have the life that I have!  But there are moments when I just need to get away.  And it isn’t always easy to call up a friend to go out and get away and go get a pedi at a moment’s notice.  It’s a lot easier to put in the Twilight DVD or pick up one of the books.  In less than a minute, I can forget about the dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, the billions of little projects laying all over the house, and just take a few minutes to be carefree.  Sure, it only last for a short while (I can’t neglect my family for days!)  But taking a few minutes to feel young again (especially now that I’ve got a few gray hairs poking out at the back of my head) really gives me something to giggle about. 

So I’m going to post this blog, give my husband a big kiss and tell him how much I love him, then pick out a DVD to watch.  Twilight?  Eclipse?  “Decisions, decisions.”  (For Twi-hards out there, that was a quote from Jane in Eclipse.)  :)